Should You Expect Your Spouse To Change: Is It Right To Expect Your Husband / Wife To Change?
Should you expect your spouse to change - Is it right to expect your husband / wife to change?
Some of the research shows that couples do adapt to each other over time and, in healthy relationships, they each have influence over the other.
So ... what are the secrets that these couples have that help them to change each other in positive ways? What do they do? What do they know about ... how to get their partner to change?
One of the first things that these successful couples realize is that it is important to choose your battles wisely ... and let go of the rest. What are the things that are most important to you? A neat house? Being on time? Helping with housework? Keeping your spouse apprised of your schedule?
What can you let go of ... The way that he chews his food? Interrupting you when you are telling a story? Her need to collect shoes? Make a conscious decision to let go of those behaviors and every time that you notice your spouse doing one of those annoying things, find a way to just let it go. Think of a positive habit or attribute that he has and why you love him.
Here are some steps to try.
1. When you have decided what behavior that you would like for your partner to change, begin to notice when he or she is doing something different ... when he puts his cup in the dishwasher, when she is ready on time ...and make sure that you find a way to let your partner know that you notice and appreciate those efforts.
2. Think about requesting small specific changes. You might not ask your wife to always be on time; however, you might ask her to find a way to be ready in time to leave for a certain event. You might not ask your husband to be neater all of the time; however, you might ask him to hang up his towel in the bathroom. Be sure to compliment and offer appreciation for those changes. You may not be thinking that you are asking for a lot ... but for some this may be a very big change in habit.
3. Ask in a positive way. Use "I" statements like ... "I would really appreciate it if you would just put your towels back on the rack after you shower, it would make my life easier and help me to feel appreciated." Or "I know that you do not want to feel like you always have to check in with me; however, when you let me know about your plans after work ... and an approximate time for when you would be home, then I did not worry ... or call you a lot. I would really appreciate it if you would do that again."
As you recognize success in one area, celebrate and appreciate. Concentrate your thinking about what your partner is doing that you like and want to continue. What you think about and look for is what you get.
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Some of the old notions about marriage relationships, often stated as wise truths by our grandmothers, are still floating around and are still doing damage. One of my grandmother's favorites was "Never let the sun set on an argument."
Silly idea number one: never go to bed angry.
I swallowed that one at about aged five. Then in my 20s my wife and I would argue half the night rather than go to sleep without settling the issue.
The problem was that nothing was ever resolved. The argument was "settled" with one of us giving in and the other having his or her way. To make matters worse, our anger was seldom about what we thought it was about. If we had just let the issues sit overnight, we might have realized what the anger was about and avoided an evening of pain and further alienation.
Silly idea number two: "You should know what I need without my telling you."
Duh! I have written before about how expecting your partner to be a mind reader can lead to a mountain of disappointment.
Silly idea number three: "If you love me, you would..."
In the news last week a woman was granted a new trial regarding her involvement in her boyfriend's killing a teenaged boy. She is reported to have said to her boyfriend as he beat the boy, "If you love me, you'll kill him."
Love is love. Never assume a specific action should automatically follow love.
Silly idea number four: once you're married, the man should not look at other women and the woman should not look at other men.
We are social beings who live in families, towns and cities. We're surrounded by people of both sexes, who are programmed to look good in public. And if that is not enough, there's always someone out there who is better looking and younger than our spouse.
The insanity of expecting oneself not to look at what is good to look at leads to secrecy and insane jealousy, both of which can destroy a marriage relationship. Looking does not mean leering, touching or having a romantic interest. Looking is just part of being alive.
Silly idea number five: You should never vacation alone.
Vacations are good, and they can be very good if taken together. However, for some working couples especially, vacations would be few and far between if they had to take all of them together. So they take individual vacations when they can. Their solo vacations are okay as long as no one feels guilty about it, because guilt wrecks havoc on marriage relationships.
There are other such sillies out there, like "verbal abuse isn't dangerous," and "what happens at home, stays at home." Can you think of a few more?
What if your spouse doesn't love you anymore? Here's how to get them addicted to you like when you fell in love for the first time
A lot of people ask the question "what can help save my marriage?". It's not surprising that this is a common question since half of the people getting married today will end up a divorce.
Marriages in the previous generations lasted much, much longer. In those days it wasn't surprising to hear that a couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary. What was it about the previous generations that made their marriages last longer than the marriages of today?
These old, traditional marriages that last over 20 years might be the biggest problem for marriages today. People getting married today go into their marriages thinking their marriage is going to last as long as their parents or grandparents did. However, soon after they enter their marriage they quickly see that their traditional belief is not effective enough to keep their marriage together.
If you've ever asked yourself "what can help save my marriage?", there are some effective things you can start doing. One of the first and most important things you can start doing to help save your marriage is be realistic. This goes back to the traditional belief of what people think a marriage should be like.
However, you must approach your marriage realistically instead of following ideas or your own fantasies of what a marriage should be like. The second thing you can do to help save your marriage is not take each other for granted.
Taking one another for granted is something a lot of marriages do, and it is one of the major causes of divorce. It's easy for your spouse to feel resentment towards you if they feel taken for granted, not respected or acknowledged, and feels that you place higher priority on other people than you do for them.
The third thing that can help save your marriage is communication. Good communication requires both transmission skills and receptive skills. Without both of these it will be hard to have good communication in your relationship.
The fourth and the last thing you can do to help save your marriage is keep the romance alive. Maintaining the romance in your marriage is important if you want to turn things around for the better.
A lot of people find this difficult since most of the time when people get married they become relaxed. They allow their jobs, hobbies, or kids to get in the way of their romance.
If you feel like you have a busy life you should put in some good effort to maintain the romance with your spouse. Although it will take some creativity and planning, it's well worth it.
Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.
50% of people divorce. Do not be another statistic. There are powerful techniques that will allow you to trust again and ignite the fire and passion back into your relationship. Save your marriage today by visiting RomanceDictionary.com
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