My Husband Told Me He Wants A Divorce: My Husband Wants Out Of Your Marriage
My Husband Told Me He Wants A Divorce: My Husband Wants Out Of Your Marriage
My husband told me he wants a divorce - My husband wants out of your marriage.
Not every marriage can be saved from divorce but many can and have been. In order to save your marriage from divorce both of you must be willing to do some work. You will find that it is a process of rediscovering your relationship and getting to know each other for the people that you are right now.
As we get older and more experienced we change and there is a possibility that what we want and need from a relationship has changed as well. This is true for both partners and each of you will have to decide for yourselves if you want to save your marriage. If both of you decide you want to save your marriage from divorce, then you each must be prepared to do the work in order to be successful. It is possible that one or both of you may decide not to reconcile but, it will take both of you to make it work. Saving a marriage that seems headed for disaster takes courage, commitment and patience as well as love and appreciation for one another.
It will take more than love to save your marriage from divorce and it is a lot easier said than done. If you and your partner have decided that you want to try and salvage the relationship, you need to be prepared for whatever lies ahead. You both will probably need to make some changes and during the process you might discover that the two of you simply cannot continue together.
1. Both of you will need to decide what you want from your partner and the relationship. There are different types of relationships and everyone has their own list of what they must have in order to be happy. Relationships are all about compromise and if you are not willing to do that, any effort to save your marriage may not work.
2. You need to have respect for each other as individuals. Sometimes we are kinder to strangers than we are to each other. As people become more comfortable with each other they tend to take the relationship for granted and often may not be as considerate of the other person's feelings as they once were. This is not usually done intentionally, it's just human nature. But being aware of how you speak to each other will play a major role in your efforts to reconcile. You could start talking to each other like you would a stranger or a friend. You will be surprised at how different you speak to your partner and the sound of your partner's voice should become pleasing to your ears once again.
3. Take responsibility for your own actions and contributions to the problems. Don't blame your partner for everything. Trying to blame each other will not accomplish anything and will make the reconciliation harder, if not impossible.
4. Try to look at things from your partner's perspective and listen to what they are saying. Their feelings are real and they are entitled to them just as you are entitled to yours. You will be better able to understand why your partner is feeling the way they do if you listen honestly.
5. We tend to hurt the ones we love and who love us, often times without thinking about it. We do this because of the unconditional love and forgiveness we give to family and others we care deeply about. It is important for each person to take responsibility for their own actions and work towards becoming the best person they can be.
6. Try to focus on the positive parts of the relationship. Nurture the relationship like you would a child, encourage the positive and don't dwell on the negative.
7. The most important factor to save your marriage is: Forgiveness, forgive yourself first then you set yourself free. Stop doing things you have to apologize for and start being thankful.
Well meaning friends and family may have lots of advice to offer. The best way to take advice is to listen and use it to make your own decision. Take what you can from the advice you get from others and use it to make the decision that is right for you.
It does not matter if you decide to get professional help or use one of the many self help programs available, you will both have to commit and work to save your marriage from divorce. And, it is going to take patience and time, it won't happen overnight.
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It's easy and normal to panic and to want a near immediate resolution, but the strategies that I most often see work (and those which eventually worked for me) typically involve taking small and measured steps that made gradual strides. This helps the husband actually believe that real change is possible and is actually taking place.
Because if you begin peppering your husband with a whole bunch of questions, pleas or assertions that he is wrong, he may just react negatively and / or withdraw even more. Not only that, but you can't expect a situation that likely took time to develop to be resolved overnight.
And yet, this is precisely what most of us want because it feels so awful to know that our husband wants to divorce us. We don't want for this to be unresolved for any longer than it has to be, so we're tempted to pull out all the stops so that the resolution will present itself as soon as possible. Of course, the downside to this is by attempting too much too soon, you could potentially make the situation worse.
It's my observation that wives have a better chance of changing his mind if they break this down into small goals. While you may not be able to change his mind about the divorce tomorrow or next week, you might be able to make some headway or some improvements in the way that you're interacting. And, if you're able to build on this with more improvements and inroads, eventually you can see real change.
Focusing On The Positive And Showing Him Change (Rather Than Telling Him He's Going To See It) Usually Gets A Better Result: I know it's very tempting to let your desperation show right now. Many wives (myself included) try all sorts of things like: making crazy promises; trying to reignite our sex lives in the hopes that this will take his attention away from our problems; arguing with him or telling him that he's selfish or wrong; or trying to get him to commit to counseling or some sort of "work" to save the marriage.
I'm not saying that these things don't ever work. For some women, they do, or at least they seem to initially. But often, the longer this has situation has lasted, the more likely it is that you'll have to make your strides gradually. And many of the examples that I just gave bring up negative connotations for the husband either because they make him feel as though you are manipulating him, or he thinks he'll have to do some "work," or because you're insinuating that he's wrong.
You have to remember that you're trying to change his negative attitude to a positive one. To that end, you will want to slant what you're saying to have positive implications. You want to give him something that he perceives positivity to focus on. And many husbands don't consider counseling or slogging through your problems as something to look forward to. That's why the gradual approach is sometimes preferable. It allows you to ease into the process and to leave the hard stuff until you are connected again.
So, When Is It Going To Be Too Late To Change My Husband's Mind About The Divorce?: Often, when I tell women some variation on the above, they respond with something like "well, when is it actually too late to change his mind about the divorce or to save the marriage? How much time do I have?" That's a tough question to answer. But I've seen situations where it would certainly seem to be too late when it most definitely wasn't. I've actually seen couples get divorced and then get back together later (even after one of them were remarried to someone else for a while.)
I've seen husbands who claim they never want to see their wives again or that the divorce can't happen soon enough do an about face. This process is more difficult when one or both people have become indifferent to the other person or the marriage, but no situation is impossible. Often, once the husband actually sees real and lasting change, he begins to also see that his evaluation of the marriage or of his wife was wrong at the time.
But often, he isn't going to believe this just because you tell him that this is so. He comes to believe it when you show him rather than continuing to tell him. And focusing on the positive will often help your cause.
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