Unhappy Marriage With Kids: Staying In A Loveless Marriage For Child
Unhappy marriage with kids - Staying in a loveless marriage for child.
If you are in an unhappy marriage, is it better to stay married just for the sake of the children-or to divorce? Are the affects of divorce on children always negative? What really is best for the children?
Mary is a successful professional who works with couples in the throes of separation and divorce, helping them to separate with as much dignity and respect as possible, and as little harm as possible.
Besides extensive training and education for this work, Mary brings the painful experience of helplessly watching her parents' marriage self-destruct.
The usual marriage-enders had been there since she was about eight. Mary recalls the late-night shouting, the blaming and criticism, the defensiveness and the utter contempt at times each seemed to hold for the other. She recalls the icy silences and her mother crying. The parents tried to hide or deny their unhappiness, but children always know.
Mary loved her father, but from about age nine she began to pray that her father would leave. He stayed and the conflict continued. Mary was at university when her parents finally divorced.
Mary resented both her parents for staying together and putting her and her brothers through all that turmoil. It took her another ten years and a couple of children of her own to get past that.
So why did her parents stay together in a marriage that was not working? Their explanation was they did it "for the sake of the children." They didn't want to "unravel the family."
Many couples manage to turn a souring relationship around through counselling, but often the deterioration has gone beyond the point of no return before they seek counselling.
What is the damage from staying?
When children under ten see their parents in open conflict, they tend to blame themselves. They tend to put their own lives on hold. As they get older, they may just withdraw and become increasingly isolated from one or both parents.
A few will develop behaviour problems: acting out, defiance, deteriorating grades, bullying, etc.
However, the biggest long-term damage comes from their internalizing what they see modeled. It is the parental modeling that years later leads to the 26-year-old mother handling conflict with her husband by screaming at him, or her husband handling conflict by bullying. It is what they saw their parents do. At an intuitive level, they don't know any other ways of resolving family conflict.
What is the damage from separating?
The issue for the children's health and development is not whether the parents are together or apart, but how well they handle conflict. If separating gives them space to cool down and co-parent with mutual respect, the children, as children, will be better off than when their parents were together.
Later, as adult children of parents who were separated, they can draw on a model that says you don't have to go down with a sinking ship. Their parents didn't unravel the family by separating. Rather, they separated because the family had already unraveled.
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No relationship is without its flaws. The great expectations that couples have before entering into marriage are often shattered when trouble in the relationship sets in. The first signs of trouble often go unnoticed, thus, leaving the problems to accumulate to eventually aggravate the situation and lessen your chances to save the relationship. When couples finally realize that they need to act to save the marriage, sometimes it is too late.
But couples who do hold on, and are determined to make a go of it and save the relationship can have a greater chance of doing so. Recognizing that there is a problem is the most difficult phase in a troubled marriage. Admitting that there is a problem is one of the most difficult things to do. It is hard to admit failure. But once you and your partner acknowledge that there is a problem, you will have taken the first step to save the relationship.
There is no magic formula to this. But if both partners accept that there is a problem, then the task to save the marriage can get underway pretty quickly. It takes two to tango. If only one partner has a desire to save the marriage, then the probability of failure increases. Both partners must exert concerted effort to save the relationship.
Saving the marriage at the early stages of the problem is easier than if you wait when the trouble has escalated. Of course, many couples often are not even aware that there is trouble brewing in the relationship in its early stages. Wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of everyday living, couples oftentimes are too busy in their careers to notice the telltale signs of relationship deterioration.
Are these telltale signs present in your marriage?
Whereas before, you did things together, you and your spouse start doing things on your own. The "we" has been replaced by "me". You are each interested only in your own desires and wants.
You or your spouse are gradually losing interest in each other. You or your spouse begin to spend more time away from home, preferring the company of friends rather than spending a quiet evening at home together.
Whereas in the early days of the marriage, compliments are exchanged on a regular basis, now more criticisms are thrown at each other, even for the most petty issues. Criticism has become the major them in your conversations.
Change is necessary if you aim to save the marriage from further breakdown. But before change can take place, both spouses should be willing to sit down and talk about the situation. If both partners cannot talk about it by themselves, counseling is a good alternative. Maybe you and your partner need a third party to mediate and moderate an objective discussion. But whatever the method that you resort to, acceptance of the fact that there is a problem in the marriage is vital for you to progress any further.
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