I Support My Husband Financially: My Husband Is Not Contributing Financially
I support my husband financially - My husband is not contributing financially.
When the question of "Should I stay, or should I go?" weighs heavily on the minds of breadwinner moms, how should you decide whether or not divorce is right for you and your situation?
I am a divorced breadwinner mom, but I am not a therapist or a counselor. As I wrestled with the dilemma of whether or not to divorce over the course of my 20-year marriage, I sought answers from self-help books, marriage counselors, therapists, friends, and spiritual advisers. This article offers six suggestions to help you gain clarity around the decision to divorce or stay.
#1. If the relationship isn't working for both of you, it's not working. As a breadwinner mom, you are probably used to problem-solving and are likely to be doing everything you can to keep your husband and your children happy, perhaps at the expense of your own needs. Stop trying to keep everyone else happy at your expense, especially your husband. You deserve to be happy, too. If you're not, the marriage isn't working. This doesn't mean you need to run right out and get divorced, but it suggests the need for change.
#2. Look to your own growth first. The temptation when a marriage isn't working is for one partner (usually the wife) to push for marriage counseling or other ways to work on fixing the marriage. But unless you, the breadwinner mom, are happy as an individual, it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to have a happy marriage. Unless you or the children are being abused, there is no rush to divorce. It's worth some time to understand how you got where you are in your marriage relationship so you can avoid repeating the pattern in the future.
#3. Invite your Higher Power into the marriage. If you and your husband are both working to make the marriage work, that's a positive sign. If you're seeing a marriage counselor or therapist, continue to do so as long as you feel it is helpful. By inviting God, Spirit, your Higher Power, the Divine - whatever name works for you - into your marriage, you open the channel to the best decision for your highest good, whether that is to stay together or to divorce.
#4. Try everything you can - until you've tried everything. If you're like most breadwinner moms, it's hard to admit defeat. If there's a problem to be solved, you'll address it. So try your hardest in your marriage. It might help, and the marriage will improve. If it doesn't, you won't have to look back and wish you had tried just one more thing. You'll know when you've reached the point of surrender.
#5. Don't force a solution. There's no timetable for divorce, and no need to push for a decision if it doesn't feel right (unless you or your children are in danger, in which case, get out immediately). Open yourself to Divine guidance and trust that the answers will come when the time is right.
#6. Take small steps toward clarity. If you're stuck in indecision, take small steps. For example, if you think divorce might be the right answer for you, consult with an attorney about the first steps in the process. Open your own bank account, and set aside some money in your own name. See how you feel about these small steps, and use them as feedback to your next steps.
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One of the great benefits of marriage is support you receive from your spouse. One of you comes home after a hard days work and you feel like nothing can make you smile again. Perhaps you've wrecked the car and found out the husband or wife failed to renew the collision insurance. Or you had an ugly disagreement with your boss. Or you just didn't make the sale that you were counting on for so many weeks. But when you arrive home, all your stresses are relieved upon seeing your spouse; making you feel that in spite of all the troubles the day has brought, you know that everything will be all right again.
Facing these situations alone would be almost unbearable, but with support and understanding from your spouse, the worst case scenario doesn't seem so bad. You're there for each other to lift up, inspire and find workable solutions. Two is a much stronger number than one. It's twice as strong and grows stronger as each problem is overcome. And as you give support to each other, you strengthen the bond that united you in marriage.
There is no doubt that successful marriages have become proficient in handling conflicts that occur in all marriages sooner or later. Conflicts and disagreements arise concerning finances, sex, infidelity, housework and even cultural differences. Other problems husbands and wives face may be how to be a good parent and keep your family healthy. Many marriages have been prone to domestic violence and trouble with in-laws. When violence sets in you may have to decide whether it will be worth it to save the relationship or not.
So, with all the support you gain from each other you might ask the question who supports the supporter? There are many ways and places you can obtain support for a marriage in trouble. But, a good time to begin seeking support is before trouble is evident and possibly beyond repair. Then it may be too late to save the relationship.
Seek help early if you want to save the relationship you value. As in most early marriages money may be in short supply and you'll need to obtain help as cheaply as possible. Inexpensive but quality help can be found on line through ebooks and email. Conferences are held frequently by various churches and organizations offering a one to three day seminar teaching how to solve marital problems. Many may be available in your home town but don't be opposed to traveling to a conference out of town and make it a romantic getaway. Workshops and educational opportunities are also easy to find at local schools, colleges and other organizations. Your pastor or chamber of commerce could provide you with a list of upcoming classes on support for marriages for both husbands and wives.
These support groups teach you to overcome the past, obtain tactfully what you want and need while creating methods of loving and understanding your spouse. One of the main problems in marriage is communication and how to approach issues gently and softly. You'll learn than often it's best to be kind, thoughtful and flexible and concede to the other person at times.
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