My Husband Slept With Another Woman While We Were Separated: Husband Is Seeing Someone Else After Only A Few Months Of Separation
My husband slept with another woman while we were separated - Husband is seeing someone else after only a few months of separation.
Many wives wonder why do men have affairs. The reasons for a man cheating are as varied as the men themselves. If you catch these signals in your husband you may know in time how to stop an affair. While a man's decision to be unfaithful is on his shoulders, usually there are things that the wife can do to keep him from wanting to stray.
When you know what to look for, it is easier to answer the question "is my husband having an affair?" The following reasons are generally good indicators that your spouse is going to cheat.
Reason #1: Boredom
It may sound so simplistic it is insulting, but often men will have an affair because they are bored. It also involves that innate primal urge in men that loves the thrill of the chase. An affair is definitely a way for a man to get some excitement in his life.
Reason #2: They want sexual variety
Wanting sexual variety could be related to boredom, but not always. He may not be bored in other areas of his life, but just wants to experience something different sexually. A new partner may be more open to experimenting than he feels his wife would be. Or he just craves the newness and excitement a new person will bring.
Reason #3: He needs a boost to the ego and to improve his self-esteem
Even if he doesn't doubt that his wife loves him and finds him attractive, a man may still feel the need to prove that other women find him sexy and enticing. Though if he isn't even certain that his wife is physically attracted to him anymore he may be more vulnerable to boosting his ego in the arms of another woman. Men want to know that many women desire them. In other words, he wants to prove that he's still "got it" and is "hot stuff".
Reason #4: He wants to feel needed and desired
In many ways this is similar to reason 3, but there is a distinction. If his wife constantly denies him sex, he may look elsewhere to fulfill his sexual needs. Especially if he feels his wife no longer wants him sexually. Another angle to this may not be sexual. If a man is feeling that his wife can easily live without him and can handle everything on her own, he may seek out someone who makes him feel needed and useful.
Reason #5: Someone offered (also known as opportunistic sex)
A man could have zero intentions or thoughts of having an affair...until the chance to have one arises. Sadly some men will end up cheating because they can and someone came on to them. This is perhaps one of the scariest reasons for wives - thinking that their husbands will cheat, not because they are unhappy in their marriage, but because he is given the opportunity. Of course, many men are able to resist temptation as it arises. Unfortunately, other men are not as strong.
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I sometimes hear from wives who have made the very reluctant decision to initiate a separation after they have caught their husband cheating or having an affair. Often, the wife does this only as a last resort. She just feels that she needs some time to evaluate this and she doesn't feel right living as a married couple after the affair. At the same time, she isn't sure that she wants a divorce. So, she figures the best compromise is to seek a trial separation to give her some time to sort out what she wants.
And while this can seem like the best possible option at the time, there can be a lot of questions about the boundaries that are going to be appropriate and that are going to work. After all, in essence the wife has chosen not to live with her husband at this time, so she wonders what she can reasonably expect from him during the separation, especially as it relates to the other woman.
I might hear a comment like: "I am not sure if I want to divorce my husband because of his affair. I still love him, but I feel that our marriage has been severely damaged. I asked him to leave. I told him that I wanted a separation. He resisted and begged me not to pursue this. I felt that I had to. I felt that if I let him stay knowing that he cheated on me, then I was living a lie. He reluctantly agreed to leave but he was not happy about it and he felt that I had acted harshly and prematurely. The other day, my kids went to visit him. A few days after they came home, one of them mentioned that a lady dropped by but that their father had told her that he was busy. I had a very strong reaction to this and I felt suspicious that he is having the other woman over during our separation. When I mentioned this to my best friend, she told me that I didn't have the right to ask my husband if he was having her over. She said that since I kicked my husband out of the house, he is living in his own home now and it is the not the business of the separated wife who he has in his own home. Is she right? Do I have any right to ask my husband if the other woman is visiting or staying with him while we are separated?"
My first reaction to questions like this is to wonder what type of friend this really is. Perhaps I am not very objective about this because of my own background. But quite frankly, this couple is still married. They are separated because of the husband's infidelity. Why in the world would the wife not have the right to know if her husband is still cheating? I personally do not believe that separated couples should see other people when they are separated. I consider this to be even more cheating.
In my view, when you are separated, your are admittedly having marital problems, but you are hoping that the time away from one another will give you the perspective to want to come back together in order to work out your problems. The idea is not that you are going to do something to put a reconciliation in jeopardy because you are still married. If you do not want to still be married, then you would have sought a divorce. The wife had made it clear that she needed time. She made it clear that she wasn't going to pursue a divorce. So I'm not sure how in the world the husband would have figured having another woman to his home would have been perfectly fine.
With this said, we don't actually know what happened. We don't really know who came to the door. We do know that the husband sent whoever the woman was away. So instead of guessing, it might be a good idea to put this out in the open.
You might consider saying something like: "one of the kids mentioned that during his visit, a lady came to your apartment. I am wondering who this lady was. I am hoping that it wasn't the other woman. Because if it was, that would be grossly inappropriate. I know that we are separated and that I initiated this, but we are still married. I have no intention of seeing anyone else. If I wanted to do that, I would get a divorce first. If you see other women, I would consider that cheating and I am pretty clear on the fact that we won't be able to save our marriage if there is any one else. So let's talk about who this was and whether or not she is going to come back."
He may tell you that it was just a neighbor. You may find it that it was the other woman, but she came by without being invited. It's very important to let him know that you are going to be watching closely and that you are not going to accept him inviting and having other women to his place. To his credit, he did turn her away. So now you have to get information as to what is going on and you have to set very clear boundaries going forward.
But to answer the question posed, I absolutely think that the wife has every right to want to know if the other woman is visiting his home, even though they are officially separated. They are still married and, if the other woman is visiting, then to me, this is continued cheating.
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